The School of Life (10) - Sex
By chrysolite, 30th Sep 2010 | Follow this author
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Posted in WikinutHealthMind & SpiritSelf Help
This is part 10 of a series of 12 articles about what they should have, but didn't teach us in school! Today: More sexual freedom, flower power revolution, contraceptives, what has or hasn't changed with regards to human sex life?
- First things first
- Air your views about sex, but I may still feel differently about it
- Everybody has different views on sex
- What really matters is YOU
- Visual, audio, kinaesthetic?
- Situations can change and will often be reflected in our sex life
- Learn to talk about sex
- Let's stop being hypocritical
- What if it really doesn't work out?
- I love you - still the magic three words!
First things first
To understand what I'm on about I really wish you'd read my other "School of Life" pages first, so please, do me this favour.
Yes, sex is my favourite subject too, this is where I hear the most rubbish and most of the problems when I'm working as an NLP practitioner. So what's the matter with sex? Let's explore:
First of all, nobody can perform to Freudian platitudes or newspaper sensationalism and if you've ever read a "serious" book about sex, well, maybe you have felt, like me, that they must be talking about somebody else in these books, but not about yourself and your expectations regarding sex. So what on earth is everybody talking about?
Air your views about sex, but I may still feel differently about it
Well, I suspect that every author has his or her own views and experiences on sex or making love and then they air their views and because we don't know any better, we take this very personal view as gospel. I'm very weary of sentences that start with: "60% of men ...." or " 70% of women". What does that represent? Well, if you ask 100 people about a subject and calculate the responses in % that will hardly give you an accurate picture of what "people" think about a particular subject.
Everybody has different views on sex
Quite frankly, should we be interested in what other people do, think, feel about sex? Why can't we just be ourselves. Does it matter if you are a single man or woman feeling like a one-night stand or feeling lonely longing for a partner? Does it matter if you are living with a partner or if you are married? Does it matter whether you are gay, lesbian or a regular in the fetish scene? Does it matter whether you like sex toys or partner swapping? And if it matters, well, I know very few people who can freely hold a conversation about their sexual preferences. Apart from dirty jokes, sex is still not usually a topic of conversation in public. Let's learn to talk about it then! Properly!
What really matters is YOU
Really, all that matters is you and your partner. What do you like, what does your partner like? Can you express your wildest wishes or maybe you want to say: "Look, I just feel like straight forward regular sex" (whatever that is). Why don't we just face the truth. We need to be able to talk to our partner about our intimate wishes without accusations and without playing these oh so popular guilt games. Why don't we just face the truth that men and women are different in their approach to sex and also that EVERYBODY is different. No two people have the same face and no two people have the same expectations on sex! Think about it!
And remember, your partner doesn't have a crystal ball and can't read your mind, so you've got to talk! Whether it's sexual behaviour, sex drive, sexual hygiene, contraception, conception, sexual diseases and another 1 million subjects connected to sex, you've got to be able to talk about it or learn to talk about it.
Visual, audio, kinaesthetic?
And have you ever established this one amazing thing: Whether your partner is a visual person, audio or kinaesthetic? Here's the examples: Visual people often just need a loving look to feel loved, and audio person needs to hear the words: "I love you" 50 times a day and a kinaesthetic person needs to be hugged and kissed often to feel loved. And there's fourth category: "Diamonds are girl's best friend" sort of person. They need to be showered with presents to feel loved. Some people are even a combination of the above. Don't laugh. This is very real. If you e.g. tell a kinaesthetic person 50 times a day "I love you" and don't kiss and hug them, they won't feel loved at all. And how do you find that out? Guess what, ask! Talk!
Situations can change and will often be reflected in our sex life
Furthermore our current situation may be different. Maybe a couple just had a baby and is completely stressed out and too tired to have sex or maybe just working a full week is so tiring that we don't feel like sex, or maybe we want sex three times a day. Some people use sex to relieve tension. The examples would be endless. Each and everyone of us is born with a unique body, mind and spirit so why don't we acknowledge that and talk to our partner about sex.
Learn to talk about sex
And yes, you can learn how to talk about sex, even after 20 years of marriage and we can change or adjust. Real love, a healthy, natural diet and diplomatically chosen words can solve any problems and can lead to a fulfilled sex life for each and everyone.
Let's stop being hypocritical
Maybe one day we will even stop being hypocritical about virginity and divorce (you can warm up your keyboard now to write your comments, I shall not be impressed).
If you want to save yourself for just one partner, do so, if you don't, don't, but still I have my doubts whether there can exist a virgin in body and mind at the altar, but yes, you might have guessed it, I once met one ... :(
What if it really doesn't work out?
And if after all, your partner and yourself don't get on, can't talk, just row and one of you feels "used", maybe you should consider separation or divorce to set yourself free to find a partner with whom you will find fulfillment in every sense of the word. But I still find this last solution amazingly rare and unnecessary if both partners talk and encourage each other, if both partners stop this oh so popular criticising and finally come off the collective sex guilt trip which still exists to this day!
I love you - still the magic three words!
And remember, it is never too late to say honestly: "Darling, I love you so much, I am so happy to be with you, lets work it out just for the two of us!".
Always working for
A SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY AND HEALTHY FUTURE
Thanks for calling in!
Comments
30th Sep 2010 (#)
Goes without saying--a very interesting subject indeed. I wish more of us thought the same about sex--it would make life much easier.
It may interest you to know that a polling sample size can be as small as 20 and still be considered statistically viable. 100 people would be considered a very reasonable cross-section of the population.
Very much enjoying this series!
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11th Jun 2011 (#)
Sorry, James, I was just so busy and I'm only now catching up on comments.
I did not know that a polling sample size can be 20 and be statistically viable. This means to me that I have to be one of 20. Well, I can assure everybody that I'm not and so I go with my husband's view on statistics: "Only trust a statistic that you have falsified yourself!" Thanks for the comment, James, I admire your writing, I've subscribed via RSS and try to keep up with the reading.
You are one of the few that has a badge for 100 000 hits. I admire that, too. Is it a combination of your brilliant articles and diligent networking? - I bet. Do you have any experiences on networking to share? The internet moves so fast ...
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3rd Oct 2010 (#)
I havent read your previous pages......but this page of yours really commands me to look for more.....good work!!
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4th Oct 2010 (#)
Thank you, rahmanali and James! More to come soon! :)
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10th Jun 2011 (#)
Hi Chrysolite just to say thanks for your support. Gina
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11th Jun 2011 (#)
No problem, Gina. I might need your support when I finally know whether I get paid by readbud.com or not. It is scary what people seem to know or think they know on the internet, but nobody has ever tried. Well, I like you, down to earth, you try things out, you write a fast pen! Let's keep in touch!
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