Anger management, tone of voice and other issues that cause problems.

Jongleur By Jongleur, 29th Sep 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Mind & Spirit>Self Help

I have a problem. People "Hear" things in my voice that *I* do not mean when I am speaking.

Anger Management and the Knee Jerk.

So, I am a member, and I use the word loosely, of a small 'church' group. We meet in one of three homes now, and we stream the events on each Sunday. This is really more of a bible study. Usually no more than 5-15 people physically present, with about that many following along online, some from Europe and Canada, and other places too!.
Once (sometimes twice) a month, we have it here at our house. The Relatives I rent from, have been too ill to go to the other places lately, so that is why it has been upped to twice a month.
Sunday last, was not a day it was scheduled to be here. The Wife of my Landlord, seeing that he felt good enough that she could leave, decided at the last minute to go, and asked me to keep an 'ear out' for him.
I am sort of a part time caregiver you see.
So, when I logged on to the live stream, and heard that these relatives were not going to be in attendance, I assumed that she had decided against going. I put the husband out of my mind.
It was only WAY later in the evening, when in talking with her, I found out that she HAD gone down there (33 mi) to the normal location, only to find no one home. They had decided to move to the secondary location and had not told anyone. No one but those that WERE in attendance.
I was LIVID; what if my relative had been in an accident on her way to the wrong location? What if the husband had had a crisis and not been able to signal me?

We have a "Group" email list, which I have long since had myself removed from (because I detest getting 'add on' emails, when each of the dozen people in the list respond), but I dug through some old emails until I found that list, I copied it and sent an email to ALL of them. I was none too delicate, in my lambasting them for not telling anyone about the move. Things like this ARE why churches break up and splinter after all.
Well...I got a very snooty email reply, blaming me for causing a disruption!!! That I had used an OLD email list, and my message had gone out to people who hadn't attended with us for a long time. She said my email sounded like I was angry almost hateful.
In reply, I said that; "You darned right I was angry", and I said " so, now your going to turn this around on me?"
I told her that I was sorry that it went to more than the intended audience, but I couldn't UNSEND the email, and I would not apologize for it.
There have been no more communications between me, and any of the church members. My landlords have not mentioned anything about this, though they were on the email list.

Anger Management and the "tone of voice"

In case you haven't read my description/bio, I am both a Certified Nursing Assistant, and I am (Primarily) a musician. I make the majority of my income playing and singing for Nursing homes and other Senior care or Living facilities.

Also, I have for many, many years had problems with people who, when listening to my "tone of voice" hear things that *I* didn't put there, even accusing me OF SHOUTING AT THEM.
Believe me, when I shout, you can hear me down the street.
This really pisses me off. If I do something that I need to be called down for, then by all means tell me, but don't accuse me of SHOUTING when I am not doing so.

Today, I went to one of my clients, a weekly performance for a "personal care home", where only three people currently live.
Oddly, this is more of a strain on me, because I thrive on the feedback I get from a group setting, it gives me the inspiration, the input I need to decide what song to play next.
This was the last performance for the month, and I had sent an invoice two days ago. The invoice service I use, notifies me when the invoice is opened and viewed.
This one has not been opened yet.

That is the set up.

So, after I did 'my thing' and the one stroke victim, who rarely comes out but was in attendance today, was actually singing along on several pieces (I consider THAT a successful day). I finished up, and was getting ready to pack up, when the CAREGIVER, asked me about my invoice!!!! ( I thought, "wait, what? why are YOU asking me about my pay/money) I told her about my invoice service etc...trying to keep my voice level (failing, apparently) but she started in asking questions, on and on, all the while *my* indignation meter was going off the scale.
Finally, she accused me of yelling at her, of using "that tone of voice" it was "Juvenile and disrespectful".
We finally got through enough to figure out that (she claims) *SHE* is the one to SIGN THE CHECKS???? (I am checking on this) she said that because she was the "Office Manager" and she did the hiring, training, scheduling and firing...well then the situation was SOMEWHAT defused, until the owner came in, sensing tension, asked her what was up.
She then, with me standing there, proceeded to tell him in VERY exaggerated words, tone of voice and (especially) facial expressions, HER version of what I said.
I just continued packing up my gear.
So, when I had my keyboard case in hand, pulling it along on its wheels, (you could plainly see my stand, seat and music books back there where I had been set up) as I'm going out the door, she asked "do you have all your stuff?"
I said:
"No I do not"...she slammed the door!!! Hard.
I dropped my keyboard outside the door, went back in and got the rest of my gear, and loaded up, in the rain.
Now, I deal with elderly people who ask or say stupid things all the time. I never ever have a problem with THEM. No one has complained, no one has been hurt, no one has been insulted.
So you give this ONE person a little bit of power, and she inserts herself into what was far as *I* knew, only between me, the vendor, and The Owner, who hired me, who has called me, who has responded to emails...never ever have I spoken to this 'office manager' on the phone, nor have I had any email traffic with her.
So why should I not be suspicious, even insulted when she starts asking me questions about my money?

Anger management, and the remedy????

Now what do I do? How do I address these issues? Am I supposed to suborn my own feelings of what is right and proper, in favor of those whose orbits intersect mine?

Many years ago, I seriously considered joining a monastery and becoming a monk, but I am not Catholic. I don't think they accept heathens. I believe I could live and get along quite well with a vow of silence, as long as it only applied to my speaking.
I couldn't exist without my music, without having my keyboard (it is sitting right next to me now, my older, better one).

Music is my means of expression, my way of venting pent up emotions. When (like today, only I haven't felt so moved today...yet) I am extremely upset, or (especially) depressed, I will come in, sit at my piano, take a deep breath, and start playing "The Moonlight Sonata" First Movement, by Beethoven. No one around, no one to hear but me, and by the time I am finished, I am in tears. All the stress, all the anger and hurt come flowing out along with the tears, and I am better.
I usually go right into Mozart's 11th Sonata in A for Violin (on piano, of course) which is quite lively and upbeat. I play the Tema and the first 4 variations, by memory.

Who can feel sad or angry after playing Beethoven and Mozart? I can't.

I also can't always launch into classical music as a means of venting, just to vent, and so I go un-vented. That is a dangerous condition to be in.
You could pop a cork.

I don't want to pop a cork. I think I'll go play some Beethoven.


Anger, Emotion, Ire, Irritation

Meet the author

author avatar Jongleur
I play piano and sing for the Elderly in care facilities in Atlanta for 8 yrs. I am also a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) I work for a home care agency now, as a patient transport.

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
30th Sep 2015 (#)

Your posts are one of a kind my friend as well filled with a lot of contents very informative, cheers!

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author avatar Jongleur
30th Sep 2015 (#)

Thank you Fern, once again I am grateful for your input.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
30th Sep 2015 (#)

Well Beethoven is an angry composer and its only love that tames anger. As violence and anger is just latent feelings that can make a person want to express themselves negatively.

When you work within a forward facing people environment, you learn to control your angry and exercise calmness so that you uphold the image of the company and brand name.

Now as a pianist and a LTCL trained teacher for the pianoforte and theory, I like Mozart, Schumann (Einsame Blumen especially), Schubert, Kabelvsky etc. as pieces of peace. I also compose my own music and tunes for vocalisation.

Now in the modern day, I prefer the music of Michael Jackson to keep me calm and I love him dearly. His pieces have classical intricacies that nobody understood.

None the less, that is my job to learn and understand as an artist of this day and age who knows how to keep calm because of past experience in customer service.

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author avatar Sandra Richardson
30th Sep 2015 (#)

After reading your way of dealing with anger, it makes me wish I could play a musical instrument. Sounds like that lady needed an attitude adjustment. Bravo! You did well my friend

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author avatar Jongleur
1st Jun 2016 (#)

What is it with you annlove00? Are you a 'bot' of some kind? You have posted this SAME EXACT message on several of my posts (one of which I replied to, saying I_AM_NOT_INTERESTED_IN_MEETING_YOU. You are all the way across the Atlantic, I am poor, I can't get to you to 'meet' you and I can't IMAGINE what you would have to say to me that is so important.
I suspect that you are a phishing bot, trying to get my contact info, and IT_AIN'T_ GONNA_WORK.
NOW, stop this nonsense.

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