Did You Want Help Or Shopping For Answers?

MarilynDavisatTIERSStarred Page By MarilynDavisatTIERS, 14th Jul 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Recovery & Coping

Shopping for Answers is not like looking for the best deal or most accurate information; it is often a manipulative ploy to get out of using an answer or suggestion. Going, Going, Gone

Selective Shopping

People shop for answers in several ways. One way to shop for answers is to ask only people who are inexperienced in doing something, hoping that the information will be inaccurate and therefore, no one would hold you accountable for inaccurate directions. For instance, “I asked John and he wasn't certain, so I asked Ann and she didn't know, either, so I didn't do anything.” On the other hand, you can take their different opinions and get out of doing anything as well.

“I asked John and when he told me what to do, he didn’t sound very confident, so I asked Ann and she had a different perspective on it, so I was confused and did not do anything.” It is never in your best interest to ask someone how to do something if he or she has less than three months in recovery.

Not because they do not necessarily know how to do something, but you have more knowledgeable, experienced resources that are available to you, and using those individuals with longer time in recovery makes more sense.

We’re in Cahoots

Sometimes people shop for an answer because they know they can get someone else in on their negativity about recovery. “What do you think about the people trying to tell us what to do? Sure, they say it is a suggestion, but its directions any way you cut it.”

The first person that responds in the negative then becomes the expert. “You know, you’re right, it is wrong for people to tell us what to do, after all, we are grown-ups.” So we now have two people who have most recently relapsed and only got out of jail yesterday deciding what makes sense; all because they looked for the most unhealthy response by shopping for answers.

You may be hoping to find someone else who thinks as you do; that the suggestions and directions in recovery are ridiculous. Then when you do not follow through on a suggestion, you have someone else to validate or support your poor decision. You start out with a self-serving agenda and find others that share it.

Why Should I Try to Help?

You can alienate people when they find out that you are only appearing interested in solutions and answers, but do not intend to use their suggestions or directions. You just wanted to manage an impression that they have of you – that you are serious and interested in changing and in the recovery process. They will not appreciate taking their time to give you a solution that you did not intend to use. Another way to look at Shopping for Answers is to realize how much time, energy, and effort you are putting into counterproductive actions.

Squandering time, energy and effort is what you did in your use, and here you are, doing it again. Rather than wasting these resources, actually use the information given to you by peers, your sponsor/accountability partner, facilitator, or counselor to decide if the directions, suggestions, or actions recommended have merit.

Three Characteristics of Recovering People

Everyone in recovery had conflicting feelings when they were early in their recovery. It is to be expected and can usually be categorized into three positions or aspects. This conflict can actually work to your advantage when you are shopping for answers.

For the aspect of yourself that wants to recover, all you have to do is follow the directions exactly as they are given, being compliant.

For the aspect of yourself that is afraid to recover, remind yourself that whoever gave you the directions has experience in the suggestion and following their directions will probably net you the same outcomes that they received.

Challenge the aspect of yourself that is resistant – follow the directions exactly so that if the outcomes are not good, you can show them that you complied, but that the results were less than favorable. This approach appeases your addiction with the “I’ll show them it won’t work mindset, while still taking the correct actions.

The majority of the time, the outcomes will be favorable and you will improve your life, adding more emphasis to the aspect of you that does want to recover and helping to overcome your fears or reluctance about the next change. We only become proficient at something with practice and repetition; it is the same for recovery.

Tired of Shopping? Then Pick the Real Deal in Recovery

So, what is the real deal in recovery? Genuine interest in getting better, asking questions of knowledgeable people, following their directions to improve your life, then repeat until the changes become the norm.




For additional articles on Addiction and Recovery by Marilyn Davis

Each person has a unique perspective on addiction and recovery. If you want to write about your experiences and provide well-written articles to help others, consider joining Wiklnut. It may just be your experiences that encourages someone else to embrace recovery.

Credits
Shopping Carts: Wikimedia Commons
Talking and Chart: Marilyn Davis for TIERS

Tags

Addiction And Recovery, Addiction Help, Addictions, Addicts And Successful Recovery, Alcoholics, Asking For Help, Drug Addicts, Shopping For Answers

Meet the author

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
A Certified Addiction Recovery Empowerment Specialist, with 25 years of abstinence-based recovery. I write about addictions, recovery, life lessons and general writing tips.

Share this page

moderator Steve Kinsman moderated this page.
If you have any complaints about this content, please let us know

Comments

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
15th Jul 2014 (#)

Good evening, Steve; thank you as always for moderating and the star. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar cnwriter..carolina
15th Jul 2014 (#)

wow Marilyn...another powerful post detailing how and why..and then doing what works....you are great...

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
15th Jul 2014 (#)

Good evening, Carolina; thank you so much. I appreciate your encouraging words and light. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar snerfu
15th Jul 2014 (#)

I like people who are "on the go". If anybody wants answers, they can wait.

Reply to this comment

author avatar Mariah
15th Jul 2014 (#)

Well Marilyn in my book experience is the most reliable qualification, there is no better source of advice and guidance than that which comes from those who have been there and done it, look in the right places and the right help can be found, if the true
intent is to take it.. as you are saying. Another profound and impressive article, keep up the good work my friend

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
15th Jul 2014 (#)

Good morning, Mariah; thank you for that invaluable comment. Those who are experts, whether from doing the right or wrong thing have much to offer those of us who are authentically seeking guidance. Well put, my friend. Thanks for the comment. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar C.D. Moore
15th Jul 2014 (#)

Excellent article, Marilyn!

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
16th Jul 2014 (#)

Good morning, C. D.; thank you as always for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar Retired
16th Jul 2014 (#)

great tips...another powerful article...

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
16th Jul 2014 (#)

Good morning, Valerie; hopefully you can use some of the tips and let me know how they work out for you. Thanks for commenting. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
27th Jul 2014 (#)

Some do proffer advice without much thought though some have genuine interest in us and that makes a difference. Thought provoking, Marilyn - siva

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
27th Jul 2014 (#)

Good morning, Siva; yes, there are those who just rattle off the first thing that comes into their minds - often not helpful, then again, there are the nuggets of wisdom sometimes. We just have to discern which is which. Thanks for the comment. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

Add a comment
Username
Can't login?
Password