Faces of Meth

JANELLE lOVE By JANELLE lOVE, 30th Sep 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/2t95rz1m/
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Recovery & Coping

An introduction to Janelle Love, a 35 year old stay at home meth addict. She is struggling to let go of her addiction and seek recovery.

Stay at Home Meth Addict

It wasn't that long ago, when I was still a normal person. I can still remember how it is I used to be. Sort of. The person I once was but will never be again. The person I was before I became a meth addict.

I'm thirty-five years old and I'm supposed to be a stay at home mom, but instead I've been a stay at home meth addict. For close to 3 years now. I can't really even say that I want to quit drugs. Because I don't.

Mostly I guess I like the idea of getting clean and that's pretty much it. Doing the work to get there is definitely what's holding me back. See the thing is, I feel like s*** on drugs and can only imagine what I'd feel like off of drugs.

I mean, I have a pretty good idea of how bad it would be. Depression so bad I'd be begging anyone who would listen, to please just kill me. Please just take my life and end it now. Yeah, I really don't think I want to get clean after all.

It's a little bit strange that people will continue to do something despite the obvious consequences. Like everyone knows drugs are bad. That they erode your mind, body, and soul. But there's no shortage of addicts, is there?

I hate meth, I really do. But I what I hate even more then meth, is running out. In fact, I take pretty close care to see to it that day never comes. Meth owns me. It Is the primary decision maker in my life, no question about it. I've given it all to meth for some reason, even though I know it is destroying me.

I've grown accustom to the idea that my children will pay the price for my mistakes. I guess you could say I've resigned myself to the fact meth will take me for all I'm worth. That it will erode every aspect of my life until the bitter end.

And there will be an end. There has to be. I can't go on like this forever, I'm already tired and worn down. Looking in the mirror, I barely recognize myself. This wild look in my eyes that never goes away. I have become a stranger to everyone that knows me. Including myself.

I want to say there is hope, but who would I be kidding? I'm through. If I don't get help soon, it will be too late. It might even be too late right now. The damage may be too great, what's done is done.

I'm going to pray, and if you pray too, I'd appreciate it. Meth has taken everything from me, and I've got to find a way to try and reclaim some of what's about to be lost forever.

I owe it to myself, and most of all to my precious children. Who deserve a mom instead of a meth addict. Please God don't let me die this way. Please God don't let me take my precious life and just throw it all away. I don't want to give it all to meth anymore.

I need a way out. I need a life jacket. I probably need an inpatient program if I'm going to pull through this. If I want to make it out alive. I'm finally deciding, enough is enough. I want to find my way out..

Tags

Addict, Drugs, Meth

Meet the author

author avatar JANELLE lOVE
I'm a 35 year old stay at home mom to 2 kids. I have a bachelors degree in liberal studies and I'm a recovering addict. Beginning to live life of life's terms again.

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Comments

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
30th Sep 2013 (#)

When your children need you and when you keep this thought in your mind all the time, it should prove easy. These are precious times that will never return. I am sure you can come clean, Janelle, step out of this self-inflicted life - siva

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author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
10th Oct 2013 (#)

Good Afternoon, Janelle. I read how much conflict you have with your addiction. I know that 25 years ago, I did not think I could function without my drugs and alcohol. Getting into recovery was not as difficult as I had projected it, and now, all these years later, I do not regret any actions I took to get into recovery. I would encourage you to explore your options; there is help out there. ~Marilyn

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