My Introspective Look at Coping with Depression

lmbenson90 By lmbenson90, 6th Feb 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Mind & Spirit>Depression

This is a brief account on how I felt during a period of my life where I struggled with depression and how it affected my life.

Coping with Depression, An Introspective Look

It sometimes has a funny way of creeping up on you. It might be something a friend or family member says. It could be the way you look in the mirror. It might be a song or scene from a movie. Or maybe you can notice it when life is passing you by. Depression just seems to find you somehow. It's like opening a door and behind it is all your vulnerabilities. All your self-doubt. All that angst and emotion you bottle up when you tell everyone around you, "Don't worry about me I'm fine". Your not fine and you damn well know it. You keep smiling on the outside when on the inside all you want is to throw yourself off a cliff. You pretend like nothing gets to you but in actuality it does. Even the little things. They get through that suit of armor you put on every morning. You constantly have your guard up because you think letting anyone in will just lead to more pain when you believe they will just let you down eventually. This is my personal experience with Depression.

These days I'm a lot more mature and responsible for myself. I try to be a good person and try to be as pleasant as I can be to most people. I look back at how I felt back then which is actually still recent in memory and think how could I have let myself feel this way. It was a mixture of sadness, frustration, pure anger and defeat. Depression is considered by most medical experts to be a mental illness. I think illness is good word to describe Depression. I never really felt right. My sleep was affected to point where I would only sleep for two or three days a week. I was constantly anxious about the little things. The smallest things would send me into a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions. For example a friend of mine had joked about how I never did anything. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said. What did he mean? Was he right? He is right. I do nothing. I can't do anything. This is what I thought like. Nobody knew this was how I felt though.

Staying silent and not talking about it with anyone is probably the worst thing you can do. I didn't feel like their was anyone I could talk to. Sure I had friends but how would the understand what I'm going through. It was the same story with my family. In hindsight it wasn't about people understanding. I felt like crap and needed someone to listen to me and support me. Depression is a negative emotion. I went to work everyday feeling depressed and went home feeling the exact same. It was a constant in my life. Sometimes I was so depressed I would call in sick just so I wouldn't have to move. I often spent my time in bed or on the couch away from everyone. This is what depression does to you. It can cripple you in the same way a cat gets caught in the headlights of a car and freezes.

I'm far more content with life now than I ever was before. There are times when yes I do have that little thought in the back of my mind of "I'm not okay". I deal with it much better though. In time I came to realize that I have people around me who care about me and who will support me. I feel far more relaxed and prepared for things. What helped me through it was importantly I opened up to those around me and they helped me through it. I decided after lengthy deliberations a change in thinking was in order. I had to try and stop being so pessimistic and cynical about life and myself. I also changed my methods and attitude. I used to be someone who was spontaneous and never really thought things through. I would ironically act without thinking. Nowadays I'm calm and collected. The epitome of cool. Mellow if you will. What sparked this was after four days consecutive non-sleep I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What I saw was someone I couldn't recognize. I wasn't born depressed. It was just a gradual thing. No traumatic event triggered it or gave an excuse to be depressed. I just started feeling bad and continued to feel that way for some time. When I couldn't tell that it was my own reflection I broke down in tears. I felt I hit rock bottom.

I honestly believe if I hadn't changed things for myself I would have killed myself. I thought about suicide a lot. I urge anyone who does to seek medical or therapeutic help immediately. Even just talk to someone you know and trust you would be surprised how many people will come to your aide when you need it. I will never let Depression dictate how I do things again. I can never ever let it beat me and make me feel that way again. Suicide is selfish and should never be an option. I wrote this not only to help shed light on what I feel is still a somewhat taboo issue for some people but for those who can maybe relate to how I felt. I wrote this for those people who understand that same feeling of hopelessness I had. But I mostly wrote this for myself. So I could just vent and let go. This is an outlet for me. This is my punching bag to let all that frustration and anger and sadness out. So all that's really left to say is "I'm doing fine" except this time I'm being honest about it.

Tags

Depressed People, Depressing, Depression

Meet the author

author avatar lmbenson90
Hi there I'm Liam I mainly just write whatever I can because if I do I might get paid. I try not to focus on anything in particular but soccer and and my many grievances with modern society.

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Comments

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
6th Feb 2014 (#)

Poignant share that will help almost all. I too have felt worthless at times as the world passes one by, but then I look at others who have nothing but keep smiling. I feel depression occurs to those who think the world is too cruel and selfish but we have to live on and enjoy the moments - siva

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author avatar piathought
6th Feb 2014 (#)

Same here! I sometimes feel depressed and worth like the comment above.

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