My fear of going out

Butterfly38 By Butterfly38, 16th Jun 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Mind & Spirit>Mental Health

This is a page about the benefits of the outdoors on mental health. Stress factors in mental health and depression can rise when we are stuck in doors all the time. I used to be one of those who used to avoid going out when I became ill. This is how I discovered the beauty of getting out and about

I became really stressed out

As with most mental health disorders, I became really stressed out. My home at that time had no order to it, and as I had children and was in extremely vulnerable circumstances, I became obsessed with being in doors and trying to make everything perfect. I had very little help, and there was no family near by to help. My husband was rather busy and he did not have time to get the home environment as good as we needed it to be.

I don't have a very good history with security as my previous articles show. However due to this, my home life had been severely disrupted and my home was left very unstable due to that. I wanted to create more stability and security in my life for myself and my family, however I forgot about my own mental health, and I stopped going out. In a nutshell, I became obsessed with putting everyone else's needs before my own.

While I understand the children's needs are always paramount, this was an area as a parent I really struggled to manage. I was never taught routine as such, my parent's didn't really have one. They just managed as they went along, so I have had to and I'm still having to teach myself. During my struggle, I sadly unwillingly almost made my children's life hard without realizing it. I do love my children, but I did not understand why holidays, daytrips and socializing were healthy. To me, my life started revolving around maintaining the home constantly. I kept dipping in and out of depression which added to the complicated problem of having borderline personality disorder, PTSD and trying to be a parent. I did not have the skill to be myself, which I learned as I went along was important for every body to get on in life.

If I couldn't be like other people, I was bullied, which made the problem worse. I ended up fearing going out

Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD make a person extremely vulnerable and often open to attack. When I tried making friends, they often saw me as 'too soft,' 'gullible', 'easy to get to,' and along the way I was sadly bullied and manipulated to extremes which is why I took a lot of community violence, which in return made my fear much worse. I in the end responded by just going along, listening to the comments and trying to change who I was, because I started to think there was 'something wrong with me.' I started talking differently, dressing in clothes that were not me to fit in, listening to music I did not like, and behaving in ways that suited others rather than me; just to protect myself from being bullied, and to try and protect my children from what was going on around me. It felt like my world was falling apart. Everybody had normal lives, and while I was in this position, I couldn't recognize normality and I ended up believing these people were right. I would shake, sweat and even end up in tears through fear, just by going to the shop. It is not easy to explain these symptoms to young children who are far too young to understand. The fear got so bad, that I started to forget important appointments, and I needed help getting my children to nursery.

I felt isolated and started self harming because I hated myself.

I felt severely isolated. I started self harming because I hated myself. It is very hard living in an area where your bullied just for being you, and not pleasant when your children witness the trauma. The self harm got worse, when I realized I could not protect my children from these vile people who like I said in previous articles also broke into my house. I felt terrorized, and if my children had been old enough to say how they felt, I am sure they would say that they felt exactly the same way. I became a loner for years and years. However, recently I am taking baby steps to get out more when I can.

My new home town has helped me tremendously.

My new home town has had a huge impact on me. I still get nervous when I go out, but I join in with many fun things here which I can't resist, so they force me out, even if I say no to myself! As I write this, I am looking forward to the return of the air festival which I love, even though the crowds make me shake. Watching the red arrows perform is well worth working through my fear for!

The commons are lovely on a sunny day, they are peaceful. When my other half is at work, it is really quiet because I don't have many people in my home anymore. I deal with this, by walking through the commons and on the beach, and if I can, I try to smile and say 'hello' to others, even if that is all I can manage at the time. Sure, there are days now when I can hold a conversation, but I am still uncomfortable with talking to people for too long.

My hometown has helped me in other ways too. I find the authorities friendly and approachable here. I used to be scared of them too, but the authorities have helped me through some really tough trauma's that were left behind, and I am confident if I have a problem now, I can talk to them, even though I still find it hard to do that.

Making friends

I've accepted that making friends may always be difficult for me now. However, I also know if I don't get out, I will never meet others and I will never face my fear. It is a struggle to face the fear of going out head on, but sometimes I find I have to. Even if that means sitting in my garden and studying by myself.

This last year has been positive. I have been to many different events. The main one being my holiday in Great Yarmouth, which I also wrote about on here. The air in my hometown smells really summery and is blooming with colour too, which is a good reason for me to get out and about. I am also looking for art and literature events which is a hobby of mine. Having something creative, allows me to show talent and I have met some great people along the way. Sure they can see my fear because of the physical effects I get with it, however working with others enables me to keep going and it is encouraging

Moving forward

I think in the future, my problem will get better to deal with. So far it has. However I know that parts of the problem will always be with me. This is not easy, because some people find that side of me difficult to accept. However, it is encouraging that I can now at least bring myself to step outside, and at least get a few words out, so I am going to push the door open a little further, It won't be easy, but the fear will get better, and my life will be better for it. I hope others in the same boat as me, find this article encouraging.


Healthy Living, Lifestyle, Mental Health

Meet the author

author avatar Butterfly38
I have recovered from several illnesses and I will be writing about the effects of these and parenting with mental illness. There will be many other topics that interest me too.

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author avatar pohtiongho
17th Jun 2015 (#)

I have no medical training. But judge from what you have written so far, your health can be improved, because you personally know that you need help. Perhaps you should try out meditation. Look for a meditation teacher and try it out. Most of them do not charge a fee. They simply love to help others whenever they have the chance.

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author avatar pohtiongho
17th Jun 2015 (#)

One must be careful with teachers who promise their method can lead others to enlightenment within one lifetime.

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author avatar LivelyAurora
21st Jun 2015 (#)

I have once nearly been put into that position. For me, I am one of those eccentric people. I don't do social media (when everyone does), or love whatever music they listen to. People like people for certain reasons. It can be because they love their money, or maybe because they love how just being around them makes them feel better about themselves. One of the good ways to make friends out there is show a talent that you are best at.

Usually, I have made friends for being a comedian, and always giving them a good chuckle. The social world is going to BS at the moment, where if you are not in the trends, you will be bullied. You don't have a social media account? Bullied. Do you have at least 1,000 fake friends or 300 random followers? If not, bullied. If you are really good at piano, or really good at drawing, showing this to the outside world, you may get positive feedback. Some of them that give the feedback may definitely be your friends.

I would recommend going on a few chatrooms on the Internet to talk to others, however the Internet is really hostile. But, when you are so used to the trolling and such, you won't really be hurt by what they may say there. (Just, watch out for some chatrooms that are filled with 9 yr olds whom act like 30 yr olds, or rude people.)

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author avatar Butterfly38
21st Jun 2015 (#)

I have a social media account, and I find it easier to talk on there. However, I never meet people I don't know in person on social media, it is just somewhere to chat. My main use for social media is to keep in touch with my family as they live much further away from me.

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author avatar Carol Roach
22nd Jun 2015 (#)

good for you. I am a retired therapist and you have come a long way. Keep up the good work.

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author avatar pohtiongho
22nd Jun 2015 (#)

Carol: your service here is much appreciated.

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