Surgery, Sends you to a world of Illusions.

maree By maree, 2nd Dec 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/96ln4kj5/
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Mind & Spirit>Phobias

This is a breif description of my hospital stay, and the world of illusions the pain sent me to. The way the mind deals with survival.

Surgery: Sent me to a world of illusions.

Now I can laugh about it, but at the time my heart and soul was truly broken.
My world was not reality, I struggled with survival, and as I tryed to piece the puzzle back together, the journey it took me on was incredible, when I started to put pen to paper, I came to the realisation of how close to death I really was.
For ever embedded in my brain, I still have nightmares, waking up to my partner asking me what day it was, replying, saturday, 3pm, to his reply, tears streaming down his face, Maree its Sunday 10pm.
I remember the fear, looking around the room, totally unfamiliar of where I was. Dazzed and confused, I also just burst into tears, screaming from the bottom of my soul, so loud I am sure the whole hospital shook. How are we going to survive this.
A day I shall never forget the 26th August 2009.
Im looking through the book's I asked my partner to bring in to the hospital.
I have written in big letters over it my eyes only, my book, I think this was written in my illisional state, because I have written from my soul all my frustrations and hopes, it held all my deepest secrets for my eyes only.
Its quite scary because Im about to imbark on quite a herific journey, reading what I had written over 13 months ago, Im about to go back to when it all began and relive the memories of angish and heart ache.
So I begin, I open the book slowly ready to start reading and typing, its all such a jumble, like a childs writing, lrg small you name it, I wrote it down, I remember the need to record all that was happening, the pain sometimes made it near impossible, the medication made my writing sway, but I still tried to keep records, I have written just words to jog my memory later, and its working.
My first entry is, Friday night my angel nurse took off the oxygen mask, told me I was doing alright considering I only came in Wednesday.
Feels so strange.feeling body parts, seeing so many tubes, coming from me, shut my eyes and dream, horrible and demeaning, taunting and nasty, visualising such disgust with myself, as to what I had become, my bowel on my stomach, how could this be. Open my eyes for salvation and escape.
Instead the curtains seem unreal, Become obsessed with the time, need a clock to time things, when can I give my self my next morphine shot, as pain over whelms me.
Close my eyes and dream, green grass, running water vivid, green leaves then open eyes to see curtains, and return to reality..
Hear voices, dark and strange, feel hungry, want a smoke, while spasms still occuring, this shocks me as I thought I hadnt thought of smoking while recovering, but obviously I had.
The pains worse than child birth, bed upright, so I dont fall asleep, need to get the pain down, write emergency notes for patients, it was already in my head to write a book for others to benefit from my misery. A way to deal with what was going on in my head.
Awoke swollen with pain, buzzer went off really loud, I am so groggy drifting in and out, not quite sure whether its reality or a blurr, hear voices, I think they are filming a documentry on me , my every movement, on recovery, recording all that I do, I thought all the doctors and nurses were actors. Then when I decided I didnt want to continue, I started saying my partner was coming to take me home at 7pm, when he didnt turn up I threw my clock out into the hall way, and lost all sense of control. fighting not wanting to return to reality, I wanted to stay in my world of illusion, where I felt safe and protected, but reality was trying to sneek back in. I vaguelly recall the panic and screaming, but I dont remember them getting a security guard to take me to my own very private room.
I remember thinking I was about to die, floating so high, I wanted in my death to leave something behind, I wanted to achieve something which would be worthwhile for all the pain, that I hadnt died in vain.
I feel my brain sent me to a world of illusion, while it figured out how to survive.
I had had previous operations before, so I thought I could handle all that was thrown at me. But the pain was like no other, the colours and visions I saw, the dreams I dreamt were all figments of my imagination trying to help me survive the night.
Now a year later I appreciate what I have, I still get depressed and snap like a dragon at my partner, but he is so gentle and understanding.
That he allows me time to calm down, then he just listens quitely as I spill my heart, all my throughts and ambitions, my challenges and struggles, then I remind him of how wonderful he is and how much I apprecitate him.
As tears stream now my face, I think this is enough for the time being, come back to see my next edition, of where my writings take me.

Tags

Body Spirit, Colostomy, Fears, Hospital, Illusions, Mind, Ostomates, Recovery, Surgery, Survival

Meet the author

author avatar maree
Due to major surgery in 2009, I was forced to shut shop after 20 years. Determined not to feel sorry for myself I decided to swing the situation around to my benefit.

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