The Black Hole

lindylou By lindylou, 29th Aug 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1eg0wvlq/
Posted in Wikinut>Health>Mind & Spirit>Depression

Having been through depression amongst other things, I have now come out the other side. I enjoy life and look forward to all life brings me. I want to give you hope too if you are still stuck in that black hole!

The beginning/Anorexia

My children were no longer dependant on me, growing up fast, becoming individuals in their own rights. My marriage of 19 years was unexciting and here I was approaching 40 and due to have a hysterectomy for fibroids problems.
I knew HRT would soon be an alternative and didn't want to be any heavier than my nearly 13 stone and size 16 clothes.So after the hysterectomy, having not eaten much after the operation at all for a week, I decided i would lose weight and continue to eat what i had been over that week- skipping breakfast, an apple for lunch and some veg and meat for my tea. Over weeks, i did begin to lose slightly, but not enough. Some days i decided not to eat anything. Eventually I even started to vomit after meals that I did eat in front of the family. After about a year, my weight was decreasing rapidly and now in size 10 clothes, people commented how well I looked and I started to feel good again about myself. However, by this stage, I was unable to control my eating habits and continued to lose. Over the next 6 months I was looking very drawn and even my work were worried and I had a meeting with my 'boss'. My family were very concerned and told me to go to the doctors. They weren't aware that I was forcibly making myself sick to lose weight. So you can imagine that telling the doctor was very hard for me. At the time I wish I hadn't as it was then, he referred me to a psychiatrist.

Psychiatric help

Over the next few months I had a 1:1 with a psychiatrist. I found by this time I was annoyed with myself and angry because I wasn't in control of the way I looked and yet was in control, so I thought of the way I was eating. I continued my weekly visits until one day, she threatened me with involuntary admission to hospital, because my weight had fallen to under 6 stone and I was now a size 6 and finding it hard to find clothes to suitably fit me.I knew things weren't right by this stage. My children were constantly worried about me. After 2 years of this eating disorder, I decided to start eating again. But it was very gradual and not the easiest thing in the world to do. I still wouldn't eat any carbohydrates at all as i was afraid this would be what made me 'fat' again.

Alcholism

I went from being anorexic to becoming an alcoholic!!! All linked in. When I look back at all the psycotherapy I had, I know now I was hiding behind the truth. There was so much history I had stored inside me. I was always made to feel worthless and not good enough. My parents believed in 'smacking' or ok in some cases using a belt if 'naughty'. I was very withdrawn as a child and shy. I had a large family in a small house. My father was often redundant but too proud so they'd never seek free meals or anything. My parents made do with what they had, even if it meant we'd have to go without. I had all my sister's hand-me- downs and jumble sale clothes. I was very unsociable in that I hardly ever went to clubs or out with school friends.
So when things weren't right in my current life, I'd look back and blame my parents for everything that happened to me. I drank every night until i was drinking at least a bottle of Cinzano a night. Once I even took alcohol to work. But I didn't want to lose my job and realised that if I continued that, I would. If I just drank at night, who would know? I hid the empty bottles or got rid of them as soon as I could.
LIfe at this stage was unbearable. I wasn't happy with myself or anybody else for that matter. I began to think what's the point of living? There's no end to all this. You work, come home, argue with the kids or your husband, go to bed, wake up next day and start all over again. There's nothing to look forward to. No Point!!!

Self harming

Sometimes whilst I was drinking, I was so angry with myself for letting myself be this way, I would want to hurt myself and feel pain. Pain seemed to make everything better again. I started by cutting my arms with a razor blade. Sometimes when I felt I'd overeaten, I would cut my stomach for eating the food in the first place. Later, to make the pain more severe, I would not only cut my hands, but then bleach them, using hydrochloric acid. The pain was horrendous and the burning seemed to go on for ever. But it was worth it. On 3 occasions I had to go to hospital to get the burns assessed and dressed. I felt very aware that all the staff were looking at me. A lot of them didn't understand why I had to do this. If you haven't been here, you'll never understand. If you are going through it right now, you'll understand exactly what i was doing and why.

Suicide

I had been continuing with my psych who was now aware of my drinking. The most angriest feeling came when he informed the DVLA about my drinking. Despite never having a failed breath test, they suspended me from driving. By this time, I was off work on sick leave- depression. I used to get so frustrated about not being able to drive myself to certain places.
I was getting more and more tearful, crying all the time, feeling sorry for myself, feeling useless, unloved, belittled by husband, unwanted and really seeing no point to life.
At this stage the thoughts about ending it began. One day, I was so upset about something that probably was nothing at all when I look back, I decided to take a bottle of paracetamol with my evening bottle of alcohol! I wasn't too happy when I awoke in hospital the next morning. I was even more upset having to face the children. At the time, you think you are doing the best for them- instead of being so useless and a disappointment, it would probably be better to be out of their lives- sound familiar???
Anyway, after my discharge, for a very short while, the family seemed loving and warm again. But it didn't last and over the next year I had another attempt at suicide, followed by a few other times. I was admitted on to a mental health ward on 2 occasions.
You might think, unless you've been here with me, that it would be enough to put you off ever doing anything like that again. But I loved it there. It seemed like a haven to me. I was waited upon. I saw people who talked to me and said kind words. I wasn't responsible for anything going on around me. I could read or do a puzzle when I wanted. There was no worrying about others- children, getting them to and from school, getting their meals, doing housework, worrying about appointments. It was bliss! The trouble is, I think they realised that actually, this was not helping me, as I could be dependant on them, instead of me trying to improve what i had at home.

Second chance

After 2 years of no driving, I finally convinced DVLA that i was no longer drinking- having attended a clinic for alcoholism. I gradually went back to work having been off sick for a year. After 2 short separations from my husband and a course of 'Relate', we decided to continue to live under the same roof but I had my own room to give me space to do what I wanted. I could shut myself away if I wanted, when I felt I needed some time to myself.
I still felt things weren't quite right with ME. I wasn't sure who I was and why I was here.

Self actualisation

Having gone through the depression, eating disorder, self harming and alcoholism you may ask, what changed? I met someone who told me about a course*, about self actualisation. I hadn't thought about this much in the past, but it was a 4 day course away from home. Some people would say it was some sort of cult. But there is noone saying that you must do this and that. The whole weekend was about ME. What do I want? what have I done? who do I blame? Why am I like this?
The thing that really stuck out for me on this particular course was I was afraid to go out of my comfort zone. I was a person that liked stability and structure. I never tried new things. I was afraid of failing. Wow, how my life changed from hereon...
I would like to write another page on this alone!

Tags

Alcoholism, Anorexia, Coping, Depression, Emptiness, Loneliness, Psychiatrist, Self Development, Self Harm, Suicide, Unworthy

Meet the author

author avatar lindylou
Mother of 2 grown up children. Been through depression and come out the other side. Life is wonderful. I love working on my self awareness and actualisation.

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Comments

author avatar Retired
8th Nov 2010 (#)

Thanks

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author avatar Denise O
2nd May 2012 (#)

Thank you for sharing.:)

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